when i see you,
sitting on a chair on a pleasant evening,
crying,ever so silent tears rolling down...
i want to tell you something to vanish that frown.

when i see you,
alone on a terrace in the rain,
crying hard to forget your pain,
i want to assure you but don't know what to say...

when you sit staring out into the night sky,
thinking what might have been-all so sad,
of the past days when u think and sigh-
i want to tell you its not so bad!

and there are so many other things that i want to tell you,
how its the darkest before the dawn of the glorious sun,
and that you'll get every joy before you die,
but i am afraid it'll be a great big lie.

i see you afraid to take the next step,
hesitating on the brink of a fall,
you sit back reminiscence when and where,
you dance in the pouring rain without care...

baby,i am sorry but i have to tell you,
the days when we sang together are now gone,
and though everything good that i wanna do or say,
i can only tell you to go on...

memories of the dash through a rainswept road,
the way you rain carefree in those wintry mornings,
they aren't going to come back,howsoever hard you may try-
i am sorry to tell you,but its fruitless to cry.

i can promise you no brighter future hope,
and i can barely look into that hollow eye,
but the rain today is so different from those memories,
so go inside and wash your tears dry...

sometimes it seems to be that all this blog thingy is a colossal waste of tim...i mean,no one ever reads the posts..and seldom does my ego ever get gratified!so what is the point of filling up these pages with mindless words strewn together making absolutely no meaning at all?
but then,it isn't my nature to do things that make sense...people say that they don't understand me,its just that i am far too eccentric to be understood.
i used to think that my life was a muddle of misery but then i found out,i was being vain...i used to hate hypocrites but then i saw,i was one...and that it was impossible for anyone not to be one,becuz always,your own point of view seems just to you!

i am terrible at writing and yet i don't give up...i am superlatively bad when it comes to writing on the computer...i just can't manage to size up my thoughts(which are so disoriented anyway!)while jabbing keys...most of the junk that you find here have been written on paper first and then painstakingly uploaded on the blog.
for some weird reason,i detest love...i have been described as a staunch "anti-romantic"..that i don't know;but what i do know is that,love flips me out.for me,there can be no greater joy than friendship..and i can never imagine leaving all the people i love for one person to bicker...it seems so very foolish!it irritatates me,all this talk about childhood sweethearts and heartburns.i am glad that i have never been in love,it just seems an experience not worth the pain.

i love sadness...the dark side of life allures me.whenever i watch it rain..i remember someone crying in the rain...everything is an expression of sorrow.
i don't have a great college life..its my fault.i never learn to appreciate what i have becuz i am too busy ruing what i lost...and then i lose some more and the cycle continues.

the hour

he told me to hold his hand,
he had from me,no other demand,
he told me not to fear,
he kept me alive when none was near.

it was a windy day...
there were thorns on my way-
amidst the despair and the gloom
he was the one shieding me from doom.

he held out his hand to clasp mine,
to lead me out of the final ravine,
he assured me we would be just fine,
i'd live,even if his life was on the line!

he said there would be a storm that day,
and we had to be together to survive it all,
"the twister can never touch you while you're with me",
"i'd be your hero,so that you can walk tall"....

but something held me back,
i didn't hold out my hand that time,
maybe i had grown bold,didn't need him,
i thought,alone i could be just fine!

i needed no caring arm,
i can fight my battles alone..
he was startled as i walked away,
there was nothing that he could do or say.

maybe i had grown too bold,
in his shadow,following whaever he told,
maybe i thought,i'd done it all aone,
while his blanket saved me from the bitter cold.

he warned me again about the storm,
i just blew him away,
it was a clear day..told him to care for himself now,
there would be no storm that day!

there was the glorious sun overhead,
i was convinced he just wanted to scare me dead,
i thought he was carfty and evil,
i told him to walk away without a word being said...

he held out his lhand one last time,
told me to hold and i'd be just fine,
i abused him,for everything he was to blame....
with satisfaction,watched him disappear round the bend,
and that was when the storm came...

one night

it was one day,
late at night-
that i,deep in sleep,suddenly woke up-
it was a dark room as i fumbled for light-
knocking over books and a cup.

as my senses slowly returned,
i drew the cutains apart,
and stared out into the clear summer night,
suspicious at what had stirred my heart.

it was a starless night,dark as adeath-
the air was still as if in a grave strewn with flower wreaths,
fragments of milky clouds wafted by,
like specks of paint in a black dye-

seemed that the darkness was within me,
pining in my miserable solitude,
i was as lonely as one can be,
there just seemed no joy to be viewed.

the streets looked deserted,forelorn...
the trees solemnly grieved-
and i sat atop my mountain,
entagled in the life i'd wieved.

more clouds floated by,as if to ligt up the sky,
as memories of the past engulfed me...
i realized that time was passing me by...
maybe this is why people are afraid to die!

as they say,the roses had died...
and it was the dawn of winter,
where the evenings were bleak and the mornings filled with sorrow...
i'd begun to wish there wouldn't be a tomorrow.

but while the sad song played in my heart,
i knew there wasn't anyone i could run to-
i had just to hold on,even if i wished to let go,
i had to pass the nights,for my friends and even my foes.

i didn't pretend there would be a better dawn-
i just knew i had to go on...
as the clouds flitted by a melancholy sky,
i couldn't allow myself to die!

like the stars waited for their chance to peep,
i had to wait for joy as i continued to weep,
and thus i cried no more,though it still hurt deep...
i just closed the window and went back to sleep.

a happy diwali!

don't look uopn the child,
walking sullenly down the road...
wearing an old tattered gown,
starved,ill,all trodden down,
amongst the floodlit alleys of the majical town!

and why should you?
jostling for crackers and sweets in queue,
its a cold morning and its raining dew,
life has got different shades and hew...

its diwali and its the majic of light,
in rich savouries,you take a bite,
while over a bomb,the guys fight...
its all so perfect,you say...all so right!

don't see then,that boy,
hasn't got a rupee nor a toy,
don't help him,don't even try...
cuz you've to squeeze your purses dry.

the sky fills up in a million colurs,
and the faces of the children lighten-
why should one then go look for sorrow,
when everything seems to brighten?


afterall,the sunshine isn't for those,
those who cannot pay-
no diwali,no sweets...only rain,
for those who don't have anything the next day.

his face liven up at the sight,
teh crackers sparkling in a thousand light,
ventures to beg for one..the insolent mite!
they give him a thrashing,a quite big fight!!


and so ends diwali for him-
witha broken leg and eyesight dim...
not so for those proper and trim-
they have enjoyed it to the brim....
quite so,for now they reign supreme,
and for others?well...
a happy diwali or just a dream!

is it always better to tell something in somebody's face when you know that the effect will be undesirable?is this called honesty or uncivil behaviour?

mirror of the mind

i sometimes get the feeling that i am a despicable person...its like standing in front of a mirror and wondering who the ugly person is,staring back at you...only to find out,that it is you whose reflection you are hating.the only problem is that,since the mirror is inside you,inside your mind,you cannot deny what you feel.
sometimes,the things that you today find apalling are all the same things that you indulged in,a few years ago.its great when you're by yourself,but what happens when someone points that out?
for a few days now,i was in deep disgust of people who hanker for marks;who do anything to garner a few pointers from the teachers.i had put myself on the noble moral pedestal thinking i am above them and their petty actions.i actually thought that they were pitiable,since they were so worked up over a couple of marks.
but then i discovered i was not so mcuh better after all!i was chatting with an old friend from school who is now in the US and at 1 in the night...i got shocked,at me!i wasn't any better after all!i ws just the same.i too used to run around for marks..half a mark even!no wonder then,that my friends thought me to be hopeless...i myself find it ridiculous now.
but is that an excuse???can it be an excuse that,since i have changed...or i think i have,i can now go on judging people who are the same as i was...or perhaps,am?maybe the monster lies dormant.but that is beside the point.when did my priorities change?am i glad that they did??maybe.but what i've learnt is that i have got no right to judge people...or to be over the moon about this confession!

the problem with prejudices

we all have prejudices...some display theirs overtly while others have theirs lurking in the deepest alleys of their minds.but we'll all be hypocrites if we say that we don't have some kind of fad or the other...for instance,i tend to judge people on the quality of their pronounciation.i know that is silly and is in no way a benchmark of a person,but that is just an instictive reaction that i can do little about.of course,the more sensible amongst us try to correct ourselves in hindsight and strive to limit the vice;but then,most of us aren't even aware of the deep-set notions that have cemented their roots in our consceince....

although prejudices are harmful by themselves and cause a lot of trouble to the person harbouring it as well as the person at whom it is directed....the more devastating and long term effect is on the society.yes,that is right!far fetched as it might seem,our little fads have a long term effect on the society...maybe not me or you..but when a lot of people share the same dirty little prejudice,it transcends the realm of the petty and becomes a socially acceptable norm,a constituent of societal prepriety!and then it takes years of labourious campaigns to enlighten the society once again...india is a prime example of this.more than a cradle of civilizations,over the centuries,it has acted as a confluence of myriad prejudices.some of them were nurtured and shared by a lot of people,mainly the patriarchs and soon they were no longer just notions...they had been moulded into the garb of tradition.it would take thousands of years for us to get rid of that once and for all!this weird idea that women somehow needed protection and were unfit social life was simply a wrong idea that got encouragement because it was shared by lots and lots of influential people!

and its not just with india or with the past.the same thing happens nowadays too!and just as much in the west as in the east!i mean,just look at the amount of insinuations faced by the gay community still!and all just because of the prejudice that,since their preferences are different,they are somehow lesser mortals.i overheard a friend of mine saying how disturbed he felt because elton john was openly gay!he thought it bizarre that" the greatest romantic singer is gay"...it was somehow a sacrilege to be gay.and it wasn't his fault.i often hear people grumble how that west is encouraging such fanatics by legalizing same-gender marriages.they seem to think that these people don't deserve any rights..they just need to be thrown off the social ladder...its nothing but a prejudice,but then so many people seem to have it in common!gay people are never romantic,they are not normal.they should be as boycotted as serial killers.

this isn't a piece to promote gay freedom,this is an effort to make us understand how lethal prejudices can be for the society.we can't shun them,but we can surely try to mitigate the effect they have on our lives.we can try to think rationally even if it feels difficult.i just hope that the next time my friend listens to an elton john composition,he appreciates the musical genius,no matter what the person behind that voice may be!

when sombody loses

sometimes life is so very unfair to you....i mean,they say that it will all work out perfectly in the end and try to instill belief in us by telling us to keep faith in god but then life doesn't work out that way.i mean,yes you can say "life 's a bitch" and all that sort of crap but really,bad mouthing doesn't help you get over the situation!sometimes life turns so inexorably against you that all you can think of is to get out of the situation,never mind the losses..it seems to you that the other person always gets the advantage and you are always trying to get back into game with your back to the wall.
its especially unsettling when you support somebody in an encounter loses after plentiful chances of pulling off a miracle...it seems that all your emotional energy has been exhausted too and you just can't bring yourself to do your regular work for the rest of the day.that is the major disadvantage of associating your self too much with a game or a persona!you get too involved to separate yourself from them.
and the reason i have been subjecting all of you to this torture is the fact that my fav,venus willimas has just lost at the semifinals of the US Open...and it was a bit unfair becuz the top seed had got 2 days to rest and venus had none...but well,life is like that.i just can't pull myself up and go back to college now,not that it is an interesting prospect anyway,but i have to get on with my life!!!all this typing helps to throw out the depression.it seems to me that ther is no cure for all these disappointments and there is no good way to get positive about it so i guess,i will have to start accepting it,even if it means heartburn and lots of really depressing days!

the glam factor

we indians are always whining how such a huge country such as ours never has had enough celebrated sportspersons...they blame the administration,the apalling lack of infrastructure and sometimes,even the genetic structure(which supposedly makes sports an unfavourable venture for indians)...and blah blah blah,various other reasons...
but what perhaps,the greatest hypocritical nation in the whole world doesn't admit is that,we are more into the glamour and the sensationalism of a win rather than the toil and sweat that goes into it.i mean,sure,we are elated when a sania mirza defeats some opponent ranked 1000th in the world in the first round of some obscure tournament,but never give a damn about all those times when indians truimph in some less-glamourous discipline.we,as a collective society,obsess about a few things and completely neglect others.we create a hoopla when we defeat 2 teams out of 10 in cricket or when tendulkar is ranked 1 in the world,which is of course,a great euphemism because 1% of the world actually plays cricket!don't get me wrong,i love cricket,but i just think that if we want some real success then we should rather focus on some more disciplines other than the ones already established.
i am jsut back from the mixed doubles final at this year's US Open...where leander paes lost.but did it matter to anyone that he was in the FINALS of a grand slam???NO!would it have mattered had he won???NO...it would have meant a footnote on the major news channels.but does that mean indians don't understand tennis??why,we scream ourselves hoarse when sania mirza goes out to play..even if she is a complete disaster,we still find excuses in "she gave a good fight" and "she has a brilliant future"....PEOPLE,LOOK AT THE PRESENT!!!
here is paes,india's greatest tennis player,ever...in the finals of a major,something that the pretty mirza can never ever dream of!however,there are no indian supporters on court to cheer him...they are all too tired after cheering mirza's doubles loss!and her single's loss!and her mixe doubles loss!
i don't think this applies only to sports....we go after glamour in every sphere of life...this phenomena transcends the realm of sports and pouts into the social behaviour as well.well,this month,we had two death anniversaries.first,princess diana...we had all sorts of memorial services and news discussions and special documentaries aired on TV.next,mother teresa...footnote!the greatest soul of the 20th century was too low-glamour for a mention!

so,the next time we whine about india not winning anything...do a few things!start encouraging other sports..and i am not talking abut the government,the society needs to do its bit too!and try to appreciate talent(unmixed with beauty)...and ofcourse,there is that small thing you could always do--flick the TV channel,you might as well see leander win his next crown!

the pursuit of happiness

i woke up in the morning-
sunlight streaming through the window-
a bright new day...
the sun shining over the mist-
light to forge a new way।



and as i sat reclined on the bed,
in the land of the sad and the newly-wed,
the air was filled with such hope,
the prospects of future in it,i read.



i went out,threw a party,
remained busy all day
and while the sunshine remained,made hay.



i sang,i danced and the morning thus turned to noon-
and into my work,i swooned.
big offices big posts,fat salary-that was my story
never realized my real life was going hunky-dory-



and the cycle of life thus continued to turn,
in my job,my parties i still burned,
raised a family in the sunset valley,
and thought it would wait for me,the happiness that i earned!



and the noon turned to evening,

left me busy as ever,but still pining,
there is so much to do,so muh to earn-so little time;
there was no end to my whining.



and while that day,i sat in the park-
and watched the birds go by-
i realized it was the sunshine that made me feel alive.
and that morning wasn't the beginning,
it was happiness,that very moment!



and while i was lost in thought,the sun-
had traversed the bright red sky,.
and as night fell i could understand why,

through the spring,the summer,the autumn and fall....
i hadn't..i hadn't quite lived at all!

new beginnings

the times are changing,
make today your dreams wide ranging,
its a glorious sunny day,
there is ample light for you to find your way....

the winds surely have changed their direction,
they are finally ready,
to carry you to your destination.
the storm has subsided,
the wind has been guided--

your house has broken down,
the storm last night has destroyed the whole town,

its now up to you,
to paint your life in a brand new hue,
you too shall rise from the devastation,
and carry on walking to your destination.

the night has passed,
all your failures haven't last,
arise-awake now,
and force everyone to wow.

realize your dreams-soar high...
for you today,no goal is nigh.
because of then storm last night,you might have been pained...
so,show to the world,the times have changed!

there is something about love
that makes me uneasy
something about the roses and doves,
that makes my heart go dizzy.

everywhere you go,they follow,
as if the whole world they've swallowed,
be it a park or a lonely road on a windy night-
the lovers are never out of sight!

there is something about love,
that makes fools out of wise men,
they stop living their lives,spend time instead,
fretting in stupid cupid's den!

they say can't buy me love-
and yet spend all their money on valentine-
ditch thei friends,fight with family
just to hold hands and say, "you're mine!"

there is something wrong about love,
a virus attack has more mercy,
"my heart was hers the day i saw her"
says the next door 10 year old percy.

there are dating books,much like maths-
equations to get into her mind,
romances fall in days,soul mates fight like hell,
how is this life's greatest find??

tell me i am crazy,but i think,
love is a devil in a pretty pink dress,
i like my evenings quiet and my money safe,
to fall in love seems such a mess!

ther is something false about love,
breaking hearts,killing dreams-
so let me sleep in my world not messed up by love,
becuz baby,love ain't as great as it seems!