Sad and gay

There is an overwhelming feeling of sorrow. The gloom catches hold of me every time I am not engaged. Its not the ennui. There is an sense of impending misery. A dim view of life. Too much Morissette is bad for me.
The person I thought I has lost, then thought re-gained has been lost again. Distant, inexplicable boundaries separate us while we strive to make tedious, uneasy small-talk across the divide. He isn't my boyfriend. He is much more.

Issues that I used to be passionate about don't excite me as much anymore. I guess I've seen too much. After 4 years, decriminalization of "gay sex" didn't excite me as much as it did a lot of other people who called me to register their joy.
Its never gonna be the same. People will still be ghettoized as part of the "community", denoted as "gays" and "fag" will be still a stinging insult on someone's manliness. Dignified lives are what we were fighting for but then we gave over to the hoopla.
For a moment, step back and realize there are people who aren't dancing at pride parades, who won't say they're proud to be gay and shouldn't be forced to. Give them a choice.
To hope for a day when a child would grow up without worrying if he is gay or how he'll come out seems an outrage. Its all heading the wrong way.
Most don't understand."India has a long tradition of gays; tolerance."..."Its a very sensitive issue"...only break my heart. The problem is that we get carried away cuz there are a fat lot of bigots out there who scream to take the majority's views into account and knock over the "handful of gays". In the end, are we losing sight of the bigger picture?
I recognize the historic occasion.I appreciate it. Let all debates rest and sexuality buried. Can we do that?

I turn 20 next week. End of my teenage. Not that I did much with it. I did, actually. My way. I'll probably be sad on my birthday as well. I'm getting old.
Last year of college. I enjoyed the past two. My way, again. I'll miss it. My way. My teenage too.